Adulting in the Dharma Reflection
By Cynthia Chang
January 20, 2016
How does one grow up and become an adult in modern society? This was the central question for a recent one-day retreat led by Rev. Heng Sure at the Sudhana Center in Ukiah on December 10, 2016. The topic was: “Adulting in the Dharma: Is the Buddha the Ultimate Grown-Up?”
Rev. Heng Sure first asked everyone to reflect on what it meant to be an adult. In the brainstorm that ensued, people said, “a sense of responsibility,” “caring for others,” “financial planning,” among many other qualities. He then shared his own definition. For him, being an adult in the Dharma meant seeing farther—seeing the consequences of our actions.
In order to contextualize what it meant to be an adult, Rev. Heng Sure showed how the definition of being an adult changes with regard to different cultures, genders, and generations. He also asked us: Who are our role models? Are there clear rites of passage? Who did I see behaving “like a grown-up” that impressed me and what values did I see working? How do I wake up to my narrative process, my deepest stories that guide me towards the role models I admired? Are our culture’s rites of passage working?
The answers to these questions profoundly shape our sense of identity and give meaning to our lives. To illustrate this point, Rev. Heng Sure shared his personal journey to adulthood. He did not identify with the religious values he grew up with or the masculine roles the culture provided. A warped idea of freedom, meant one should disobey all rules unless they suited you and indulge desires immediately, without thought for consequences. He later discovered Buddhism, and found another model for adulthood.
“Men can be both strong and kind. Women can be both nurturing and strong.”
Examples of this were Shakyamuni Buddha, Amitabha Buddha, Master Hua, and Ajahn Sumedho who were strong male figures that cared deeply about other people. Guan Yin Bodhisattva (often depicted as female, but in reality transcends gender) was a role model of compassion but also fearlessness. All of these Buddhist models had a freedom, not achieved from dominating others, but a freedom that allowed them to serve others selflessly.
This shift in his personal narrative had a major influence on Rev. Heng Sure’s life. He became a Buddhist monk and has been so for over forty years.
He also challenged all of us to reflect on our own stories: “Do I know my own roots, my founding myths?” “Have I listened to my elders about where my surname came from?” Essentially, what are the greater stories that form who I am?
A moving moment for me was when we saw a video of Mr. Rogers appearing before the US Senate Commerce Committee in support of funding wholesome public television shows for children. Near the end of his talk, he said, “I think that it's much more dramatic that two men could be working out their feelings of anger -- much more dramatic than showing something of gunfire.” True words from the heart.
Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood was a television program both of my sons grew up with. In this thoughtful children’s show, he used his gentle charm and mannerisms to communicate with his audience of children. The topics on his show dealt with the everyday life of children: fears around going to sleep at night, disappointment around not getting what you want, and respect for others. The program ran from 1968 to 2001 and influenced many children. The video can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKy7ljRr0AA
Mr. Rogers was clearly a man who was both “strong and kind.” In the video, he spoke with confidence and strength in front of a skeptical senator and won the senator over with his sincerity and kindness. Mr. Rogers concluded his talk with a song that speaks on what it means to be an adult:
What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?
What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?
It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:
I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.
In this song, growing up is not about getting what you want and being in control, rather, an ability to not give in to one’s negative emotions—to be the master of oneself. Indeed there’s something deep inside, as we all have Buddha-nature inside us.
Finally, the Buddha can be considered the ultimate adult role model. He is free from all greed, hatred and delusion. He has realized complete self-mastery. However, he is not far away or external to us, but an embodiment of our highest potential.
I resonated deeply with Rev. Heng Sure’s final message:
To learn the Buddha’s path, first become a good person.
When we become the best person possible, Buddhahood accomplishes itself.
In Chinese: xuefo, zuo ren; rendao jin, fodao cheng (學佛，做人；人道盡，佛道成。)
I would like to thank Rev. Heng Sure and DRBU Extension for providing this one-day retreat, so all of us attendees (young and old) can gain a better understanding of how to walk on the path to adulthood.
By Cynthia Chang
January 20, 2016
How does one grow up and become an adult in modern society? This was the central question for a recent one-day retreat led by Rev. Heng Sure at the Sudhana Center in Ukiah on December 10, 2016. The topic was: “Adulting in the Dharma: Is the Buddha the Ultimate Grown-Up?”
Rev. Heng Sure first asked everyone to reflect on what it meant to be an adult. In the brainstorm that ensued, people said, “a sense of responsibility,” “caring for others,” “financial planning,” among many other qualities. He then shared his own definition. For him, being an adult in the Dharma meant seeing farther—seeing the consequences of our actions.
In order to contextualize what it meant to be an adult, Rev. Heng Sure showed how the definition of being an adult changes with regard to different cultures, genders, and generations. He also asked us: Who are our role models? Are there clear rites of passage? Who did I see behaving “like a grown-up” that impressed me and what values did I see working? How do I wake up to my narrative process, my deepest stories that guide me towards the role models I admired? Are our culture’s rites of passage working?
The answers to these questions profoundly shape our sense of identity and give meaning to our lives. To illustrate this point, Rev. Heng Sure shared his personal journey to adulthood. He did not identify with the religious values he grew up with or the masculine roles the culture provided. A warped idea of freedom, meant one should disobey all rules unless they suited you and indulge desires immediately, without thought for consequences. He later discovered Buddhism, and found another model for adulthood.
“Men can be both strong and kind. Women can be both nurturing and strong.”
Examples of this were Shakyamuni Buddha, Amitabha Buddha, Master Hua, and Ajahn Sumedho who were strong male figures that cared deeply about other people. Guan Yin Bodhisattva (often depicted as female, but in reality transcends gender) was a role model of compassion but also fearlessness. All of these Buddhist models had a freedom, not achieved from dominating others, but a freedom that allowed them to serve others selflessly.
This shift in his personal narrative had a major influence on Rev. Heng Sure’s life. He became a Buddhist monk and has been so for over forty years.
He also challenged all of us to reflect on our own stories: “Do I know my own roots, my founding myths?” “Have I listened to my elders about where my surname came from?” Essentially, what are the greater stories that form who I am?
A moving moment for me was when we saw a video of Mr. Rogers appearing before the US Senate Commerce Committee in support of funding wholesome public television shows for children. Near the end of his talk, he said, “I think that it's much more dramatic that two men could be working out their feelings of anger -- much more dramatic than showing something of gunfire.” True words from the heart.
Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood was a television program both of my sons grew up with. In this thoughtful children’s show, he used his gentle charm and mannerisms to communicate with his audience of children. The topics on his show dealt with the everyday life of children: fears around going to sleep at night, disappointment around not getting what you want, and respect for others. The program ran from 1968 to 2001 and influenced many children. The video can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKy7ljRr0AA
Mr. Rogers was clearly a man who was both “strong and kind.” In the video, he spoke with confidence and strength in front of a skeptical senator and won the senator over with his sincerity and kindness. Mr. Rogers concluded his talk with a song that speaks on what it means to be an adult:
What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?
What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?
It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:
I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.
In this song, growing up is not about getting what you want and being in control, rather, an ability to not give in to one’s negative emotions—to be the master of oneself. Indeed there’s something deep inside, as we all have Buddha-nature inside us.
Finally, the Buddha can be considered the ultimate adult role model. He is free from all greed, hatred and delusion. He has realized complete self-mastery. However, he is not far away or external to us, but an embodiment of our highest potential.
I resonated deeply with Rev. Heng Sure’s final message:
To learn the Buddha’s path, first become a good person.
When we become the best person possible, Buddhahood accomplishes itself.
In Chinese: xuefo, zuo ren; rendao jin, fodao cheng (學佛，做人；人道盡，佛道成。)
I would like to thank Rev. Heng Sure and DRBU Extension for providing this one-day retreat, so all of us attendees (young and old) can gain a better understanding of how to walk on the path to adulthood.
